Things I Learned From Therapy

I felt like I was in a rut for quite a long time. Unfortunately, I felt trapped. I worked crazy long hours thinking that the harder I worked, the more I sacrificed, the more sanity I lost – it was truly worth it. But for what? Autopilot is the mode that I was set on, believing that I was a money making machine for a company, with no other goals of my own. I didn’t have many hobbies (outside of video games), nor did I care to get out and make friends, or try new things. After dating in my early 20’s I finally met my lovely girlfriend of almost two years now. She helped me realize that I was sabotaging myself and sinking bit by bit. Fast forward more and my mother lined me up with an excellent therapist she found, so I took a leap of faith.

I had never recognized myself as a person who needs therapy. Sure, I wasn’t happy in a lot of areas of my life. However, I kept feeling like if I could keep producing at my career and also clear levels in video games, then I couldn’t go wrong. I was constantly progressing, even if only on digital screens. I literally became a machine, turning off emotion and feelings so that I could complete my projects by their deadlines. I didn’t have much of a social life. The average person looking in at me would probably realize how weird and struggling I was, but I just couldn’t bring myself mentally to ask for help. Whether it was medicine, counseling, or divine intervention, I didn’t think it would cure me. You might know someone else like this or find yourself in the same boat as me. Hear me say: You Are Drowning.

Medicine Breaks the Cycle

Having self-deprecating habits and vicious thoughts in your head for a prolonged period of time can lead to mental health issues. You’ve heard of the most common: anxiety, depression, eating disorders. What most people don’t understand is that your thoughts and mentality are the commanders in charge of your body. If you constantly hear negative thoughts or have spiraling anxiety, it’s no wonder why you are in a depressive fog. Take the time to acknowledge it if this is you. Even watch the people around you to check their well-being. The crazy thing is that no one ever really teaches you about mental health unless you decide to research it yourself or get in touch with a therapist.

Medicine like anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and mood stabilizers are commonly prescribed by doctors. It is the belief by many that medicine won’t fix you, and you also wouldn’t want to take a “crazy drug.” I get it, I felt the same way. I take a few medicines now, and I still feel the same way. Let it be known that medicine will not fix you. So what’s the point?

If you continue to follow through with the same actions but expect a different outcome, that is the definition of insanity. The aforementioned medicines serve as a pair of scissors, safely snipping the wire between negative thoughts and your brain’s imbalance of chemicals. Further reading on how this works here. Once the cycle has been stopped, or at least slowed down in most cases, you can finally get to work on improving. Again, medicine will not fix you. However, it is a stepping stone that many people have to approach so that they can get well in the long term.

It goes without saying that you should always ask your doctor about all benefits, risks, and side effects that any medicine has before you take it. Not every medicine works for every person. Be careful and educate yourself on what you are prescribed, what it does, its side effects, and why you are taking it.

Counseling Teaches You Improvement

We’ve all seen the corny movie scenes of a person sitting in a room with a hot therapist talking about their feelings. Yeah, that’s not real life. Thanks Hollywood. I would argue that many peoples’ beliefs about counseling is that they talk about their problems, get it out, then move on. That’s only a fraction of the purpose. This is important. You will not fix your marriage by going to one counseling session, screaming your feelings at a therapist, and then going back home to continue your same old behaviors with your spouse anyway.

You will not fix your marriage by going to one counseling session, screaming your feelings at a therapist, and then going back home to continue your same old behaviors with your spouse anyway.

No Place Like Gone, 2022

The main purpose of counseling is so that you can educate yourself on mental health, learn new processes, and grow as a person towards a better version of you. We all have things that we can work on, and I will never believe that anybody is perfect. Counseling works a little different for everyone, depending on how resistant you are to change. It usually takes going for at least a few sessions, talking about your feelings, realizing that you actually want to change, hearing your therapist when they teach you new behaviors to practice, and finally you implementing these changes into your life. Now hear me say that it takes patience. You will not get it the first time. Or the second. Think back to when you learned to ride a bicycle, or swim, or play an instrument. It took many times of falling off of that bicycle so that you could learn enough motor coordination as a child to learn how to balance and peddle in tandem. Learning anything in life is no different.

Use therapy as a chance to be heard with your feelings, but also soak up all of the practical advice that they have. Take notes down in a notepad as you speak with your counselor. This is serious. It’s just like sitting back in class when you were in grade school or college. Only this time, this is THE MOST important subject that you can learn in the world – you! Ask your therapist for practical tips and things that you can try differently with your life, behavior, and actions. Therapy is about you getting the help that you need, not your therapist just asking you questions for an hour every session.

Purposes of Counseling:

• Having a confidential partner to talk to
• Letting a trained professional speak into your life
• Assessing your thoughts, habits, behaviors, and actions
• Implementing a plan to become well mentally
• Changing your view of people, the world, and life
• Learning new skills of communication, how to cope, grief and forgiveness, understanding your thoughts and emotions better
• Finding the resources and people that you need in your life
• Processing trauma and powerful events in your life
• Becoming a more positive and healthy YOU

It’s also important to note that not every therapist is the right match for you. It may take you some time to find the one that fits your style just right. Luckily, I struck gold on the second time and am blessed for that. Remember that going to counseling is about helping you improve, so don’t waste your time if it doesn’t feel right. But you definitely need to keep trying. No matter the stakes.

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I’d like to take some time to mention Better Help. They are an excellent online community of licensed therapists, counselors, and psychiatrists willing to help you no matter where you live in the country (United States specifically). Currently, I am in no way affiliated with Better Help, but I have heard from multiple people that I know that this program can be excellent for new people discovering counseling. Their programs are quite affordable, between $60 and $90 per weekly session, which is compared to the average of $200-$400 for a typical counseling sit-down session in your local town’s mental health practice. Check them out here, to begin your journey now to getting well, from the safety of your home in this crazy world.

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Community Keeps You Connected

There are times when you want to fall off of the wagon. Yes, that’s an old person saying but there is a reason that old people get to live to such an old age! They have wise life advice radiating out of them like a fountain. Arguably one of the best systems to keep you connected to getting well is a community. As a species, we have evolved from creatures that gathered in tribes, fought wars, struggled and survived together. No one wants to be left to survive alone.

Plug in to a community near you. It may be people your age, or different. People who like doing things that you like doing. Find a local hiking group, sewing club, or business development workshop. The important thing is finding people who accept you and who want to be around you. These people over time will want to protect you like you protect them. You become indoctrinated into the music tribe, the swimming tribe, the old cat lady tribe, or whatever it is! These people are the ones that can hold your hand when the nights get dark. When you want to skip the medicine because you are out of hope. When you quit trying to love yourself because you feel worthless. Look to this community of people that you are building to speak into your life.

You are your worst critic, and therefore you will drag yourself down into a bottomless pit of sorrow if you do not grab a hand fast. Having loved ones, friends, colleagues, a mentor, all help to position yourself not to fail next time. You will make mistakes, you will miss taking medicine one day, you might skip practicing good behaviors, and fall off of the deep end quickly. Let others be there to help when you need it most. Lean on them, “because in counsel there is safety.” Humanity functions best when we are connected and working towards the same goal of survival together.

Lean on them, “because in counsel there is safety.”

Proverbs 11:14 – the Bible (KJV)

On the other side, be the light at the end of the tunnel for others if they need you by their side. Everyone is struggling in a different way. It may be under the surface of all of those smiles and laughs that you find the truth about them. Always be kind, and allow yourself to love.

Mental Health Must Be Treated Like Physical Health

Many people have the impression that you just are who you are. You can’t change, or improve. You’ll always be Chuck from New Hampshire, with the same old car and the same old behaviors. This is not true. When you gain weight, you may experience various health conditions related to that. When you go to the doctor they will tell you to exercise, get on a diet, and try this appetite-suppressing pill. If you have the willpower to stick through a tough regimen, you will undoubtedly come out healthier and happier on the other side.

Mental health is no different. People want to separate physical health, mental health, spiritual health and tackle them in order of what is the easiest thing to do (most of the time). But we as a society have a bad picture of this. Consider your body like a piece of machinery, let’s say a car just like you drive to work everyday. Without a working engine, the car won’t move. Without gas in the tank, the car won’t move. Without a working computer chip, the car won’t move. I know this is an abstract way of explaining this, but treat your wellbeing the same.

Your brain is a muscle which should be fed knowledge, books, and positive behaviors and actions to keep it healthy. Your body is composed of complex systems that need a balanced diet, but not in excess of too much food. Working out is crucial to your physical fitness, but also has phenomenal effects for your mind as well. You also have to change behaviors or make new lifestyle choices because of your age at times throughout life. Your spiritual health must be what your soul desires, based off of your belief systems, and so that you can feel peaceful inside. But all of these pieces of the puzzle work together to create who YOU are. Never separate them again.

When you feel sad or depressed, see your doctor or find a local psychiatrist. When a loved one passes away, or you lose a job, see a counselor immediately. These things need to be processed, so that your mind will not veer off into the shadow realm of negative. If you don’t feel like getting out of bed everyday (who does honestly?) then maybe you are burned out or feeling lost without purpose. Find a psychiatrist that can help regulate your biochemical imbalances. Trust me, every little step matters. Rome wasn’t built in a day, or by one single person either. You aren’t in this alone.

Self Improvement – Other Options

There are dozens of mental health podcasts, books, documentaries, Ted Talks on Youtube, and so much more to find. Whether you have severe anxiety or have been diagnosed with a serious label by a licensed psychologist, there are resources out there to help you. Ask your counselor or psychiatrist for any options they can provide you. Also do your work to find your own systems that work. I also don’t recommend getting your mental health advice from TikTok (sorry gen-Z’s).

Here’s an excellent TedTalk video on the views of stress, and how anyone can combat it:

For me, I found a few different mental health podcasts that I enjoy listening to online. They really dig deep, and you basically get to listen to a counselor walking through trauma and actionable steps with a person in the same boat as you! The one I recommend the most undoubtedly to anyone is the John Delony Show on YouTube. John holds two PhD’s, one in higher education, and the other in psychology. He worked for years as the Director of Students for a university, and also was on call at all hours of the day to serve as a trauma response superhero. I had the pleasure of meeting him just recently at his show in Nashville, TN.

Another podcast on Youtube that I highly recommend is Healthy Gamer GG. He gives great advice to various content creators on the platform, all live and raw for you to listen to and process through. There’s also plenty of books that can help educate you about mental health, I’ll leave a few below:

• Atomic Habits – James Clear
• Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle – Emily Nagoski
• Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence – Dr. Anna Lembke
• Redefining Anxiety Quick Read – Dr. John Delony
• Own Your Past, Change Your Future – Dr John. Delony

In Conclusion

At the end of all of this, know that you are worth being well. Also know that whatever you choose to do moving forward, you will always follow you. You can continue to carry baggage, pain, suffering, and mental health conditions around with you like a pet. Or you can work on positive change every single day. It’s not easy, but it will always be worth it at the end of all of this.

PS: Please send this blog to someone that you know. They could be struggling today, or they know someone who is. We are in this together.

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Charity

I have chosen to donate $100 of my own to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) – and below is a fundraiser for additional support that I will send to them. For every $1 that is donated, I will match it with another $1 of my own (on top of the base $100 that I am donating). Please feel no pressure to do this yourself unless you decide that you want to. You can also donate directly to NAMI here.